advice from a fake consultant

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Monday, March 5, 2007

On Purple Crayons, Or, Thank You, Ann Coulter

If you look in the 24 pack of Crayola crayons, here’s what you find:

The Red community:
Scarlet, Red, Red Violet, and Red Orange.

The Blue Community:
Indigo, Blue, Cerulean, and Blue Green

And in the middle-the Purples:
Violet, Blue Violet, and Violet Red.

Even the crayon box mirrors the electorate-both sides have their “base” and both are fighting for the middle.

And so it is with the Republican Party, America’s voters, and that most delicate of feminine flowers, Ann Coulter.

For those recently reincarnated or otherwise missing, Ms. Coulter “went a little funny in the head” to quote President Merkin Muffley. Ten thousand voices, all smarter than I, have rendered their disapproval, and I suspect she hasn’t heard one of them.

Or at least I hope she hasn’t.
Why would I say such a thing?

Because I want those purple crayons.
I want ‘em bad.

And every time Coulter does one of these (and we all know this ain’t the first...) I think happy thoughts. Thoughts of November, 2006. A time when many, many purple crayons, indeed, saw the Rs as the scary choice, and voted D.

In fact, I suggest that if Ann Coulter didn’t exist, we might have considered inventing our own, as a satire of reality. But lucky for the Ds, her truth is stranger than our fiction, and the work has been done for us.

Just consider the 110th Congress’ seven new Senators: Sens. Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio), Ben Cardin (D-Md.), Bob Casey (D-Pa.), Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.), Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), and Sheldon Whitehouse (D-R.I.). At least two of the States represented (Ohio and Missouri) tend to lean R, and Casey took out Santorum.

I don’t suggest Coulter is responsible for the majority of this, or even a lot; just that she ain’t hurtin’ the process, and every little bit helps in a race that might have less than 5 points separating the winner and loser.

OK, so, a confession: I’m basically lazy.
I do a fair amount of research for a post, but sometimes, even after all that work it’s sometimes hard to raise outrage over the retooling of a regulation, or the award of another non-competitive contract.

But finding something that Coulter did which can be described as outrageous is like reaching in a really full pickle barrel-it’s just so easy. This, truthfully, has a lot to do with why I’ve never taken up this issue before.

Besides, why would I want her to quit?
Here’s five more reasons I love Ann Coulter:

1) Ann Coulter makes Dennis Kucinich look like Allen Greenspan.
2) Ann Coulter gives Al Franken something better to talk about than Rush Limbaugh for a day. Maybe two.
3) For an analyst, she’s not so good at analyzing. Check out this brilliant prediction on the ’06 Senate race:

COULTER: Those are the three of about six or seven that are highly contested that I actually think we're going to win. In Talent's case, I just can't believe he is in trouble. He is a magnificent senator. If anyone should be in trouble, it shouldn't be Jim Talent, though Missouri is a very weird state. It seems to be like half Tennessee, half Massachusetts. They voted for Adlai Stevenson in 1956. It is kind of a nutty state. They voted for Clinton twice and but they also voted for John Ashcroft.

Allen I think is ahead and Ford I think is also an interesting case in Tennessee because I hate to say this but Ford is my favorite Democrat and I wish he were running in Rhode Island against Chafee and I would support him. If he were running in Connecticut I would support him.

4) Ann Coulter books, when purchased at discount bookstores, can actually be cheaper than toilet paper, per square inch. And just as useful.
5) I have an Ann Coulter policy. If she comes on TV, since she’s clearly living in some mystical dream world, I listen to music from a mystical dream world instead of her audio. As a result, I get unexpected opportunities to listen to “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole I wouldn’t have otherwise.

And so I say to Indigo, Blue, Cerulean, and Blue Green:

Don’t hate Ann Coulter.
Love her.
Embrace her.
Even if she doesn’t mean to, she’s working for us.

Violet, Blue Violet, and Violet Red?

Well, if you weren’t smart enough to see through all of this, you wouldn’t be Violet, would you?

So let Crazy Ann be Crazy Ann, and let the purple voters watch, and we’ll have another reason to look forward to ’08.

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