A Fake Consultant Exclusive: “All Suspicious Persons Will Be Monitored."

Many words have been proffered regarding the FISA bill this week, and I was actually preparing an analysis of the events when, to my surprise, I received an email that made me alter my schedule completely.

I want to apologize in advance to Danny Medress, over at Democracy for America, for whom I was preparing the analysis; and all I can tell you, Danny, is that this was of such import that the schedule had to be slipped.

That said, presented here in its entirety is the memo I received …and having read it through, I have to say I feel much safer.

WASHINGTON—July, 10, 2008

FCNS--Officials at the Department of Homeland Security, the National Security Agency, the FBI, and the National Reconnaissance Office jointly announced today that because of the new authorities and tools they have under H.R. 6304, the FISA Amendments Act of 2008, they can now absolutely assure the American people that there will be 100% coverage of every single “suspicious person” in the United States.

DHS Undersecretary Harry Paratestes told the assembled media that two major programs have been implemented to assure that 100% coverage is achieved.

First, the implementation of the “Algorithm Impact Project” which will allow specially-designed software programs to decide which Americans need to be wiretapped.

“The AI Project”, Paratestes said, “is the most effective tool to date to ensure all communications between any possible terrorist is captured and recorded.”

As has been previously reported, the AI Project will direct NSA and NRO resources by starting with a “baseline” assumption that all communications are suspicious until proven to be safe.

“Fortunately, we are responding to the threat posed by all unmonitored communications by instituting a ’full capture’ communications protocol that will capture all the communications that the AI Project does not track as unsafe”, Paratestes reported to a questioner. “This policy ensures that any dangerous communications the AI Project misses are retained for at least 10 years for analysis in case they might later become actionable.”

Paratestes also described, for the first time, the newest of the DHS security innovations to be introduced: the “Binary Management Program”.

“We simply cannot allow any suspicious person to be able to move about freely in the United States” BMP Program Manager Heywood Jablomi told the assembled press, “and to that end we intend to hire 150,000,000 new employees to remain in close contact with the other 150,000,000 suspicious persons in the United States 24 hours a day. This will achieve 100% coverage of any suspicious individuals and simultaneously achieve 100% employment. I’ll say it again, so you know we mean it: all suspicious persons will be monitored.”

Several persons expressed concerns regarding the scope and nature of the program; and those suspicious persons have been removed from the general population for a period of investigation.

“We are looking for a location to site the new detention facility that will be required”, Jablomi told the assembled reporters, “and we can announce today that we are down to two sites for final consideration: Nevada and Wyoming.”

Paratestes ended the meeting with an optimistic assessment of the future: “With everyone in America being monitored, we will finally be free and safe, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural…fluids. God bless you all.”