advice from a fake consultant

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

On Vetting McCain, Or, Even Satan Needs Contractors

For those who did not know, I’m a contract worker; and as a result I’m a direct beneficiary of the trend toward outsourcing.

And let me tell you, everyone’s doing it. At different times I’ve worked for school districts, a company that makes tax preparation software, agencies of State Government...even the Navy.

So it was no surprise when I found out from the agency that I was to be assigned to a Human Resources Department to help with the overflow of employee evaluations that needed to be completed—and it was no surprise when they told me the job was like working in Hell.

I was a bit surprised, however, when it turned out they were telling the literal truth...and that’s how I came to spend last week as a temp in Satan’s HR Department—vetting John McCain for his annual evaluation.

As surprising as it might seem, Satan’s actually not a bad boss. The dress code is casual—in fact, shorts are just fine: “on hot days”, as the joke went around the office.

Dirty jokes at the office? Oh, they were all over that...and I don’t mind telling you that having been in that environment, I understand how flinging around the “C-word” can bring a sudden end to the lunch conversation.

But the work criteria here are weird. On any other job, throwing around the C-bomb could get you fired (except in stand-up comedy, of course); but here I was told any evidence of such behavior actually gives the worker three preference points on his evaluation.

I logged onto Satan’s network (it’s slow, by the way...I must have waited three minutes for my roaming profile to load) to see if he qualified—and sure enough, in ’92 he laid a C-bomb on his wife in front of two members of his campaign staff. It turns out there’s an extra point to be awarded if the wife is involved—so I wrote him up for the full four preference points.

That’s enough for an “attaboy” letter, according to the manual—but I needed to see if there was more.

There was a time in the 80’s when he opposed the Martin Luther King holiday—a time when even Dick Cheney supported the holiday—and he actually had the juevos to show up at this year’s Anniversary of Dr. King’s death to make nice...while making a black man hold his umbrella during the speech. Three more points.

He even told the media he voted against MLK Day because he didn’t exactly know who Dr. King was...in 1983...and 1987. The manual says that’s two more points “for enhanced dissembling”.

Nine points already...that’s the attaboy letter plus a pair of tickets in the company box for an Oakland Raiders game (oh, don’t act so surprised...who else would it be—the Jets?). This guy’s gonna do great if nothing bad turns up.

“My dad told me there is one thing McCain’s are good at and that is not giving into pressure, and honor – keeping our honor regardless of what happens...He then said, ‘Don’t lie, cheat or steal – anything else is fair game.’”

--Jack McCain, describing his father John McCain’s advice.


“Keeping our honor”? That’s gonna cost him big-time if I can’t find a way to get him off the hook...but wait...look at how he got into politics in the first place. Oh, this is going to get him a raise, it’s so good.

OK, so he managed to marry a swimsuit model...well, to be accurate, the files here suggest he snatched her away from another man in the ‘50’s...and during the entire time he was in a Vietnamese prison camp she did the Tammy Wynette thing...but get this—she managed to get in a car accident (it wasn’t my current boss...I asked around at lunch), so McCain decided to replace her because she wasn’t hot anymore.

Now that should get him back to where he was...but get this: he cheats on her numerous times, and then sues her for divorce—and then, a month later, marries the daughter of the largest beer distributor he can find.

And all that’s not the best part.
The best part is, he’s managed to keep the ex-wife from really unloading on him while he’s running for President; this being her description of what happened:

“...My marriage ended because John McCain didn't want to be 40, he wanted to be 25. You know that happens...it just does...”


Imagine what you would have to say to your ex to get that kind of acceptance after dumping her for another young blonde...this guy might be SatanCorp management material! Maybe I’m getting too enthusiastic about this job...but I’m starting to love this McCain.

He's just so...evil.

Let’s add up the points for this one: three points for the first wife snatching, three more for the second—plus lots of “enhancement” points—including the big one...seven points for the “blame it on the war bride” move and two more for the new wife’s Daddy being a liquor distributor. That’s fifteen...it only takes twelve for an automatic raise—and according to the manual, twenty total points for the evaluation is an automatic nomination for Employee of the Month and lunch with the Big Boss in the Executive Pit of Fire.

And guess what: McCain has a total of 24!

And I didn’t even need to use the “McCain doesn’t speak for his own campaign” material to bump up his score.

I sent in the report and they were so impressed that on our last day they gave us pizzas, Cuban cigars, and Italian beer (it’s Hell, after all...) for the entire crew for lunch. They even sent over Simon Cowell’s caseworker to shake our hands to commemorate a job well done.

They told us they’re planning a big party for McCain in Minneapolis next month to present him with his award—and the Big Boss’ Number Two Guy, Dick Cheney, is scheduled to appear on Earth in his human guise to confuse children and celebrate the occasion.

So that was my week in Hell: great dirty jokes, decent parking, casual Friday everyday, the real inside dirt on McCain...and I even got to meet Simon Cowell’s “handler”.

And as long as the paycheck doesn’t bounce, it was a better work experience than the School District contract.

4 comments:

SACKERSON said...

Huevos. And anyone who makes chips that good can't be all bad.

fake consultant said...

i was not aware of mccain's chips until now--and lord knows i have a soft spot for chips...

around here is tim's that are the deluxe choice.

and sorry about the spelling error...i was saying it out loud and forgot the one "trick" of spanish phonetic spelling.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Doesn't sound too bad for hell.

fake consultant said...

it's not actually true, but the urban legend is that w.c. fields' gravestone carries the inscription "i'd rather be here than philadelphia"; and after a few days that's how working in hell begins to feel.