advice from a fake consultant

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

On A New School Year, Or, The Sarah Palin Drinking Game

Well, it is easy to tell it’s September.

BBQ smoke hangs thickly in the air, the rain is getting cooler than it usually is in the summertime, and the Mariners are securely in last place.

And it is also time to return to school. For the new voter about to enter (or return to) College, all the crazy living can make you forget about important things, like...oh, I don’t know...maybe an election or two.

To make sure this does not happen I’m going to put College and Politics together to create this year’s first...wait for it...synchronized Sarah Palin drinking game.

So start pairing up your shotglasses, find the Scotch tape, and when you get back I’ll tell you how it works. here’s what’s going to happen:

You’re going to make “pairs” of glasses that will have Sarah Palin’s “official story” on one glass, and Sarah Palin’s matching flip-flop on the other...which you can find right print this story, cut out the strips, apply a bit of tape, and you’re on your way.

Put them in a shoebox, and at the beginning of the game players pick one at random. (Or if you prefer, pick teammates...)

When you hear one of the pair on the TV, both glasses have to a synchronized manner. Extra points for style may be awarded.

As an example, one glass will say:

“Sarah Palin opposes

The pair to that glass will say:

“Airport Paving Project”


It turns out Mayor Palin sent a note to Wasilla City Council members to let them know about the nearly $800,000 in earmarks to the City that the local paper had reported upon. The paper missed some of the story, however, and in the margin, in her handwriting, she wrote:

“This does not include our $ nearly One Million Dollars from the Feds for our Airport Paving Project. We did well !!!”

Now if the TV mentions “earmarks” or the document with her handwriting on it...or the airport paving project—synchronized drinking!

You know what? I like that earmark theme so much I’ll do another.

“I was against The
Bridge To Nowhere”

“I was for The
Bridge To Nowhere”

Bridge to Nowhere? Long story short, one of the most offensive earmark efforts ever was just a couple of years ago when the (all-Republican) Alaska Congressional delegation tried to hustle $320 million in earmarks for a bridge to connect Ketchikan with the Island of Gravina (population 50), where the airport is located. (The locals have to make do with a ferry today...but they didn’t like having to wait for the boat.)

See if you can guess which 2006 candidate for Governor of Alaska was all for the earmarks that would make The Bridge To Nowhere possible? (Hint: It rhymes with Parah Salin.)

She’s so big on earmarks, in fact, that in 2001 and 2002 the Mayor of Wasilla was targeted for her love of pork by a national crusader who was trying to end the practice. Know who it was?

Wait for it...wait...OK, are you ready?

John McCain said Sarah Palin was a pork abusertwo years in a row.

Guess which candidate for Vice President is not only against earmarks today...but also Governor of the State that gets the most earmarks, per person, in America? (Hint: It rhymes with Parah Salin.)

Here’s another pair of glasses, and they’re pretty much self-explanatory:

“I’m for abstinence-only education

“How’s that abstinence-only thing
working out these days?”

You’re probably hearing that after 18 months in office she’s already being investigated by the State of Alaska to see if she has abused her powers as Governor, and now it looks as though she is trying to wriggle out of the cooperation that she promised investigators.

To make this happen, her own lawyer just filed an ethics complaint against her, hoping the Alaska Attorney General will take over the investigation from the Legislature. Which is how we get the next pair of glasses:

“Palin is an ethical politician”

“Palin files ethics complaint
against herself”

(For this pair, any mention of the word “Troopergate” also means synchronized drinking!)

That’s four pair, which should be enough, for now, to get you started...but let’s end with a challenge:

Send in your own pairs.

Make ‘em funny, make ‘em tough...but most of all, make sure they can fit on a shot glass.

Now get out of here and head to class...and be sure not to step in any big piles of Politics on the way.


Anonymous said...

I was wondering exactly what 'The Bridge to Nowhere' project was. Once again, fake consultant, had the answer to my question.

Thank you, fake consultant!


fake consultant said...

always glad to help...and we hope all is well for you these days.