On Looking Back, Or, A Jerry Springer Administration--Why Not?

I bring to you today a story that is eight years old and as recent as today’s headlines.

A foolish tale of mirth and merriment it is indeed--and for those who want a real all-American Fourth of July story, well...this one fits better than a glass slipper on Cinderella’s foot.

The story, as you might have guessed from the headline, starts with a simple premise and ends by paraphrasing Ronald Reagan’s famous question:

Had we elected Jerry Springer in 2000 instead of George Bush the Younger, would we be better off today than we were eight years ago?

Come along for the ride, Esteemed Reader, and we shall see...

I am going to make the case that Jerry Springer would, in fact, have been the better choice by addressing four areas of Administration policy: foreign relations, legislative management, press relations, and fiscal policy.

In each of these areas I believe I can demonstrate with powerful evidence that a President Springer would have made better choices...and to show you what I mean, let’s begin with foreign relations.

“"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"
--President Bush, Florence, South Carolina, January 11th, 2000

There is no question that this Administration has been working both sides of the fence over negotiation versus confrontation and threats of combat as a foreign policy strategy—sometimes with the same country. Examples include North Korea and the second leg of the Axis of Evil’s milking stool, Iran.

Would a Springer Administration have been different?
You know it would.

Picture the Sunni and the Shi’a, right next to each other on stage, each in their own chair...and Secretary of State Steve right next to them to make sure things don’t get out of hand.

Steve might have to keep someone from throwing a chair or two, and Kenny might sneak up next to Shi’a’s chair when he’s not looking and startle him...but eventually, with Reverend's Schnorr's help, they’d get it all worked out...and then Jerry would give his Final Thought and everything would be resolved just in time to run a few JG Wentworth and Everest College ads.

"And I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as President."
—President Bush, Washington, D.C., June 17, 2008

Now let’s move on to legislative management—another area where Springer would be a huge improvement over the status quo.

Today’s Congress is often a place that is filled with inane speeches followed by the sound of something akin to the “harrumphs” you would hear if you belonged to the administration of Governor LePetomane...but imagine a Springer-influenced legislature.

If Todd was the presiding officer of the Senate, particularly odious speeches would be followed by the sound of the other Senators, following Todd’s lead, shouting “whore, whore, whore...” in response—and be honest, wouldn’t that be a better Senate than today’s?

The state of press relations has gone so far down the rabbit hole recently that one of Mr. Bush’s own Press Secretaries has written a book about how bad things became.

Could a Springer Administration do better?
I’ll put it this way: “I don’t have a question, Mr. President. I just wanted to get my beads...”

Need I say more?

“...fool me once...shame on...shame on you...you fool me you can’t get fooled again...”
-- President Bush, Nashville, Tennessee, September 17, 2002

And finally, a few words regarding financial management.

Compare and contrast, my friends: on the one hand, an Administration that turned a fiscal surplus into a deficit so amazing that mathematicians are probably arguing at this very moment over whether “gazillion” should make a Pinocchio-like transition and become a real number...

...or, on the other hand, an Administration that could make a fortune for the taxpayer selling “Jerry Springer: Too Hot for C-Span!” DVDs and pay-per-view events based on just the press conference footage they would generate.

So there you have it, folks: a master of “Gonzo Television” faces down a master evader--and while one of them may have screwed a prostitute...the other spent the past eight years screwing 300 million Americans.

I’ve reported, you decide.

On Foreign Aid, Or, Where’s My Rolodex?

I have spent considerable time lately advocating the principle that we need to aid our way out of some of our problems abroad, rather than attempting to bomb them all away.

But aid carries its own lessons to learn.

Here’s a big one:

Lots of Americans don’t understand the world we are trying to change; and much of the world we want to change cannot visualize our goals.

I’ll offer a simple example-sewers.

How many of you have a hose running from your house to a barrel for a septic system? Or can imagine a thriving business in barrel-emptying?

Or that the largest maternity hospital in your nation’s capital city would have basically the same problem?

This is not an issue limited to just one war-torn country. The two cities I’m referencing are Kabul and Esna, Egypt, for those of you not already visiting the links.

Imagine the simple difficulties of expectation-ours and theirs-as we hypothetically enter a small Afghan village to install a new sewer system.

If they have never seen a sewer system, they probably won’t…

…have flush toilets. That’s a bit of an adjustment for the village right there, eh?

…understand why it takes forever to rip up streets for construction (a problem that surfaced in our Esna, Egypt example). (Actually, that isn’t much different than freeway construction in Boston.)

…appreciate the foreign customs of the NGOs/contractors/soldiers involved any more than we appreciate going 6 or 8 or 12 months without a beer.

…admire our Buy American attitude, either when we build the system or maintain it later.

…want us to convert them to Jesus (or Western Democracy, or Compliant Capitalism) any more than Jerry Falwell wants to become a worshipper of Allah.

…want to change their entire life, existence and culture just because we ask them to.

…visualize the benefits to them until the project is over.

Here’s another example: If our Afghan village farms poppies for opium production (and we can safely assume lots do-more or less 4000 tons worth a year) we might try to encourage the locals to stop cultivating the crop. Surprisingly, this might be a bad idea, as it can reinforce the wealth of the local warlord while driving the population you’re trying to help even further into poverty.

Maybe instead of sending in the DEA to end poppy production, we should send micro-lenders. But I digress.

In any event, the point is: if we don’t understand conditions on the ground we don’t know what we’re doing.

Which leads us to the second lesson for today:

Experts might not be worth the money.

Any consultant, even a fake consultant, ain’t cheap. Especially when paid in US dollars. And who wants to lose a good gig?

But spending 30 to 50% of an aid contract in Washington, DC on consulting is just insanely foolish.

Expertise is like food. You can buy “fast food” level expertise for lots of money and little effort; or for less money and more effort you can acquire “fine dining” level expertise by sending your own people to learn from real experts-the very folks you want to help.

This is where the advantage of long-term involvement pays off-it buys institutional memory, which saves money for real good for real people.

Finally, the toughest lesson for today:

When you give money as a gift to a new friend; then tell your new friend to spend all the money on you, it doesn’t look like a gift anymore.

Sorry, everyone, but Buy American upsets as many people in Kabul as it pleases in Peoria. And why wouldn’t it?

Some crew of guys (maybe even women!) comes into your town with a lot of cash you need badly, then they leave you some system they never really explained or left you equipped to maintain-then they want you to buy parts only from them…at high prices…taking the cash that would have helped your economy back home to the good old USA.

What kind of friend is that?

That’s a lot for today, so let’s sum up.

If we really want to create positive outcomes from our non-military efforts, let’s start treating our friends in “nation life” just like we treat our friends in “real life”.

Unless, of course, your “real life” belongs on “The Jerry Springer Show”.