On Making the Sale, Or, Hidden Advertising Messages Considered

So it’s Super Bowl time once again…and if you’re like me, you really don’t care all that much about the game—but you might actually pay attention to the commercials.

They’re significant productions unto themselves, and they set the stage for a full year’s worth of advertising as they migrate to the “small” TV market after the last whistle of the game has been blown.

Since lots of other commentators will analyze and dissect those commercials—and I’m one of those who likes to travel where others don’t—we will, instead, talk about the ordinary commercials, the ones you see every day of the year…the ones you might see 20 or 30 times a day, every day of the year, if you watch enough TV.

There are three in particular we’ll talk about today…and two of the three send a unique and particular message to the viewer. It may not be the message the advertiser intended—or maybe it is, secretly—but whichever it is, it’s a pretty fair bet that you’ll see each differently after we’re through.

The third? Well, we’ll get to it later.

"Of late I have found myself almost incapable of enjoying any poetry whose inspiration is not despair or melancholy…The subject of any European government to-day feels all the sensations of Gulliver in the paws of the Queen of Brobdingnag’s monkey—the sensations of some small and helpless being at the mercy of something monstrous and irresponsible and idiotic."

--From “How the Days Draw In!”, Aldous Huxley

You gotta have education to land a job these days, and one of the largest providers of that education is Corinthian Colleges, who operate a chain of “career schools” that include Everest College, who trains those who aspire to careers in the medical field, among others.

Their ads are a constant presence on daytime television, with the recurring theme being that the lives of those in the commercials were...lost…adrift…maybe even depressing…and that the experience at Everest was so great that now, thanks to the school, life is much, much, better.

Although I could not locate her on Internet video, another constant presence in the ads is the woman who comes on after the ads are through. “Hi, I’m Mary” she informs us in her perky voice, headset at the ready, “and I hope this commercial inspires you to call…”

And that’s when the hidden message appears.

Mary, the perky operator, has appeared on this commercial—and lots of others like it—for at least three years now…and never once has she been tempted to give up her operator job by a single one of the commercials in which she has appeared.

Medical assistant, massage therapist, fashion coordinator, video game designer, chef…not a single one of these schools is getting Mary’s money—and I assume that’s because Mary knows something about these schools that we don’t.

"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket."

--George Orwell

If you watch enough television, you quickly become aware that there are a lot of people who are looking for other people…and to be blunt, it appears from the advertising that about 90% of them are men seeking “hot, sexy, single ladies” or something similar.

Match.com (what would MySpace be without them?) apparently understands the mating drive of men much better than other providers of these services (or they understand perfectly that men are dogs)…but whomever you turn to for this sort of assistance, the message that gets sent is that thanks to their heroic efforts men can get women they would never get in real life…with virtually no effort at all…and that these women are just hanging around various telecommunications devices waiting for you to pick up your phone and…well, initiate a booty call.

There is one exception.

eHarmony has come to the plate with ads that are clearly not targeted at men. Instead, their ads focus on romance and marriage—and in them is a hidden message as well.

It’s the women.

Unlike the “I just came off the stripper pole” women that appear in the ads directed at men, the women in eHarmony are more on the…regular human…side. They’re not exactly mingers, but at the same time they are not the twins you might see in certain beer ads.

The men of these commercials are, of course, thrilled to give up their bachelor lives for the opportunity to be in the exciting relationships with the women who appear to be--again, to be blunt—trading up…or at least trading sideways.

The unspoken message is subtly different for the women than it is for the men. For the men, the message is: “pick up the phone and get a hookup”…but for the potential woman customer, the message seems to be: “even you could find love at our site…”

“Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.”

--Stephen Butler Leacock

Our final commercial of the day did not make the list because of any hidden message, but instead because of the amazingly awful performance of the actress involved.

I nearly get heartburn every time I see it…which is ironic, considering that the product involved is Prilosec, a heartburn drug.

If you haven’t yet seen the ad, let’s just say that the woman who is the product’s spokesperson is in no danger of lasting longer than Tucker Carlson should she ever find herself on “Dancing With The Stars”.

Just so you know, I looked it up: the number of comics who have stood in front of the brick wall and uttered that old line “have you seen how white people dance?” is exactly three less than the number of grains of sand on the beach at low tide.

Here’s something else I looked up: “Katie”, the character in the Prilosec ad, is actually in the picture next to that joke in the Comedian’s Brick Wall Reference.

Her bio reports that she was an instructor at the Elaine Benes School of Dance, and her performance is clearly influenced by that experience. The same ability to ignore rhythm and tempo is excruciatingly evident, she has the same “finger-point” move that Elaine so effectively deployed, and she and Elaine seem to share the same blithe ignorance of how unusual their portrayals are to the rest of us.

The really odd thing is, even if you watch the commercial with no sound at all she still seems out of tempo.

OK, so that’s about enough for one column, but before we go, a quick Super Bowl preview: see if Anheuser-Busch runs the ad featuring Conan O’Brien and Sweden or the one where the Clydesdale horse reflects on his life and times…or both.

If the experts are to be believed, that may be the only real mystery of the game.

On Confusion, Or, What’s The Point?

As has been indicated before in this space, I am far too addicted to television…and most of the time, even when the sound is off it’s still there to be seen.

But it’s so often confusing.
Here’s an example:

There is an ad running these days for a product called “extend” or “super grow” or “bigs a lot” or whatever the heck it’s called…and while the ad takes great pains to tell us that it can cause a “certain part” of the body to grow larger—it never exactly tells us which part they’re talking about.

Clearly, there are some body parts that it might make sense for someone to enlarge; but the commercial is so vague I just can’t tell what they’re getting at.

It’s that sort of confusion that drives today story…so come along and we’ll pursue the question of what a “make it bigger” product might actually do…and more.

So what body parts might this very confusing product affect?
There are a few that it would seem logical to enlarge:

Eyelashes, for example. It makes perfect sense, considering the amount of mascara a woman might use in a lifetime (and the time spent applying same) to be able to just take a pill and have larger eyelashes…but the fact that the product seems to be directed to men throws that theory right out the window.

Same with hair—men usually don’t use products that would “extend” the hair.

A bigger nose? Illogical indeed.

A product to extend muscle development…like a “Mega Mass” in pill form? I am leaning toward that theory—but there’s one other possibility that I’m mulling over, and it’s actually my leading contender for “most likely theory” at the moment.

Hands and feet.
Why, you ask, would anyone want to extend the size of their hands and feet?

At first this might seem weird, but work with me for a moment. Many of you might be familiar with the “old wives tale” that says a man with large hands and feet also has a large…well, you know.

And I think that’s what this product is intended to do—to make men’s hands and feet larger so that women (and perhaps, the occasional interested man) will think the user has a larger penis.

And speaking of confusion…am I the only one confused as to why Hillary is still in this race? And if she’s going to remain in the race, why is she running a campaign that looks more like Strom Thurman’s 1948 failed Presidential bid…or the campaign that McCain’s Vice President might run?

Seriously, Hillary, with the effort you’ve put forth to compliment McCain at the expense of Obama you’re starting to make even Mitt Romney and Charlie Crist nervous that the VP nomination might be ought of their reach.

It was bad enough when you felt entitled to a Democratic nomination; but the idea that you’re entitled to be nominated by whatever party will nominate you, for whatever spot on the ticket you can get…it really raises the “eewwwww factor”.

What are you thinking? That your only path to the Presidency is to ascend to the office upon the declaration of McCain’s incompetence?

Of course, as so many will point out, she has every right to run…but who cares?

I mean, let’s face it Hillary, I have a right to run too…and I could presumably also try to base my campaign on latent racism and an appeal to a long gone past…but wouldn’t that make me just another Republican, like Trent Lott, George Allen, and…lately, you?

The only thing missing from the picture would be for you to run a campaign ad (that is, if you could afford it) with a Christmas tree and a Cross in prominent view as you angle for the evangelical vote—and it wouldn’t surprise me at this point if she tries such a move.

I can already hear the response: “We must count every vote…then count states who broke the rules…then count electoral votes…then count only voters who voted for Clinton before…and if that doesn’t work, we’ll only count my vote—because I know what’s good for all those fools who voted for Obama, even if they don’t.”

It would have been different if you had cast yourself as better on issues than Obama—in fact, even now you could change the tone of the contest…something that would improve the standing of your campaign (and legacy—and future)…but that strategy won’t get you a victory, will it?

And as we are now well aware, you will do anything to win, no matter what that victory means to yourself—or the Democratic Party.

Which brings us to the big finish:

There is a choice to be made by our dear Hillary “at this juncture”. She can continue to pursue what is more and more looking like a “scorched earth” strategy—and if she gets lucky, McCain might just run with her as a VP.

Or she can “extend” her future in Democratic politics by extending her vision beyond the proverbial hood of her car…by, instead, looking farther down the road—where lots more elections lie ahead, and where a future as a Senate Majority Leader or Governor might still be possible.

Obscene amounts of fund-raising, from anonymous sources, for a future Hillary Presidential library?

Maybe not so much.