On Living With Idiots, Or, An Open Letter To Islam

Dear Islam,

You know, it seems like every time I write a letter I have to begin by apologizing for not having written in so long, and that’s the case again today.

We only get a few days of real summer up here every year, and I was out having fun at golf tournaments and doing a bit of climbing around the local hills—and you know, I do love doing a bit of nothing at all from time to time—but while I was away, things have gotten even crazier than usual around here...and I’m sorry to say, you’ve been on the pointy end of the crazy stick, which is something that never should have happened.

Things have been so nutty that you’re probably thinking America has something against Islam—in fact, you might be wondering if we have something against our own Constitution.

Well, we don’t, most of us, and I’ll take a few minutes today to help y’all understand just what is going on in this country.

So you’re going to be hearing a lot about this disturbed guy in Florida who thinks that he can save the world by burning Qu’rans on September 11th—and you’re going to be asking yourselves: “Why would America allow anyone to do that?”

Well, the answer’s kind of paradoxical, and it has everything to do with the same Constitution that protects freedom of religion in the first place.

You see, it also protects the concept of freedom of speech...which, in itself, probably requires a bit of an explanation.

Freedom of speech, as you can imagine, isn’t absolutely free (for example, there is the famous “yelling fire in a crowded room” example), but to a far greater extent than you might think, we really are able to say things that would shock most of you not living here.

At the moment, just to illustrate the point, we have all kinds of people suggesting the President is taking the country in the wrong direction, or a secret Muslim (as if that were somehow bad)...or even that he’s some sort of weird mixture of Stalin and Hitler and Satan Himself who was born in Kenya...and every one of them is free to stand on any street corner and hold a sign proclaiming exactly that, just as much as they want.

Matter of fact, those are the same people that are mad at you, Islam, for the moment, even if they know nothing about Islam...and that brings me right to the next thing I need to tell you.

The only reason a lot of Americans are mad at you, Islam...is because there’s an election on, and the only way Republicans can win elections is to try to scare Americans into thinking that the United States will instantly collapse from whatever useful threat they think up—unless enough of us vote Republican.

Now in normal times, Islam, Republicans would be trying to scare us about gay people trying to eat our babies, or something equally stupid, but that hasn’t been working as well as it used to lately—and what they would really like to say this election cycle, they can’t (“Those Jesus-hating liberals elected a nigger and now they’re gonna impregnate your daughters and gay marry your sons!”)...and that leaves you, Islam, as the next most desirable overt target for Republican fear-spreading professionals.

(You and, of course, those “illegal aliens” who are busily beheading people in the Arizona desert every night.)

Now there is no doubt that a portion of our population is entirely ready to jump on this bandwagon with no encouragement at all, and that’s where we get the fools who think having a Qur’an BBQ party somehow makes some kind of sense.

My guess is that about 20% of us are that stupid—and based on our current population, that means about 60,000,000 fools are bumping and stumbling their way across the American landscape on any given day, struggling, as Aimee Mann says, “with the undertaking of simple thought”.

Apparently because it’s just hanging there, many of them sort of slide down and congregate in Florida, and sure enough, a few of them did gather together in that particular State to form into the human blood clot that planned this little 9/11 protest, and that’s how we got to where we are today.

Now I’m sorry that we can’t just bring this to a stop, but we do allow idiots to say their piece in this country, whether it’s a good idea or not...so they do, even if the Government and The Not Blindingly Stupid Among The Population don’t like it...and all I can really tell you by way of consolation is that as soon as Election Day is past, much of this will come to an end—unless it works so well that Republicans keep it up for a few more election cycles, until it fails to work any more.

Anyway, Islam, try not to let it upset you too much, try to keep in mind that this is really about American electoral politics and the desperate need to create fear (which is all the Republicans have left)...and most importantly, try to keep in mind that if good old-fashioned American racial segregation was back in style then no one would even be talking about you—instead, the same people that are on your back today would all be doing their best Dr. Laura impressions 60 or 70 times a day, and they’d go right back to assuming Muslims and Hindus and Sikhs are all the same people, just like they did in happier times.

So that’s what’s been up around here, and I hope to hear from you soon as well—and of course, if you’re in the neighborhood sometime, drop me a note and we’ll go grab a coffee and laugh as the fools walk by.

Your friend,

fake

On Foreign Aid, Or, Where’s My Rolodex?

I have spent considerable time lately advocating the principle that we need to aid our way out of some of our problems abroad, rather than attempting to bomb them all away.

But aid carries its own lessons to learn.

Here’s a big one:

Lots of Americans don’t understand the world we are trying to change; and much of the world we want to change cannot visualize our goals.

I’ll offer a simple example-sewers.

How many of you have a hose running from your house to a barrel for a septic system? Or can imagine a thriving business in barrel-emptying?

Or that the largest maternity hospital in your nation’s capital city would have basically the same problem?

This is not an issue limited to just one war-torn country. The two cities I’m referencing are Kabul and Esna, Egypt, for those of you not already visiting the links.

Imagine the simple difficulties of expectation-ours and theirs-as we hypothetically enter a small Afghan village to install a new sewer system.

If they have never seen a sewer system, they probably won’t…

…have flush toilets. That’s a bit of an adjustment for the village right there, eh?

…understand why it takes forever to rip up streets for construction (a problem that surfaced in our Esna, Egypt example). (Actually, that isn’t much different than freeway construction in Boston.)

…appreciate the foreign customs of the NGOs/contractors/soldiers involved any more than we appreciate going 6 or 8 or 12 months without a beer.

…admire our Buy American attitude, either when we build the system or maintain it later.

…want us to convert them to Jesus (or Western Democracy, or Compliant Capitalism) any more than Jerry Falwell wants to become a worshipper of Allah.

…want to change their entire life, existence and culture just because we ask them to.

…visualize the benefits to them until the project is over.

Here’s another example: If our Afghan village farms poppies for opium production (and we can safely assume lots do-more or less 4000 tons worth a year) we might try to encourage the locals to stop cultivating the crop. Surprisingly, this might be a bad idea, as it can reinforce the wealth of the local warlord while driving the population you’re trying to help even further into poverty.

Maybe instead of sending in the DEA to end poppy production, we should send micro-lenders. But I digress.

In any event, the point is: if we don’t understand conditions on the ground we don’t know what we’re doing.

Which leads us to the second lesson for today:

Experts might not be worth the money.

Any consultant, even a fake consultant, ain’t cheap. Especially when paid in US dollars. And who wants to lose a good gig?

But spending 30 to 50% of an aid contract in Washington, DC on consulting is just insanely foolish.

Expertise is like food. You can buy “fast food” level expertise for lots of money and little effort; or for less money and more effort you can acquire “fine dining” level expertise by sending your own people to learn from real experts-the very folks you want to help.

This is where the advantage of long-term involvement pays off-it buys institutional memory, which saves money for real good for real people.

Finally, the toughest lesson for today:

When you give money as a gift to a new friend; then tell your new friend to spend all the money on you, it doesn’t look like a gift anymore.

Sorry, everyone, but Buy American upsets as many people in Kabul as it pleases in Peoria. And why wouldn’t it?

Some crew of guys (maybe even women!) comes into your town with a lot of cash you need badly, then they leave you some system they never really explained or left you equipped to maintain-then they want you to buy parts only from them…at high prices…taking the cash that would have helped your economy back home to the good old USA.

What kind of friend is that?

That’s a lot for today, so let’s sum up.

If we really want to create positive outcomes from our non-military efforts, let’s start treating our friends in “nation life” just like we treat our friends in “real life”.

Unless, of course, your “real life” belongs on “The Jerry Springer Show”.

On Public Diplomacy, Or, Karen Hughes, Are You Listening?

Karen Hughes, we are told, has pulled an Elvis and “left the building”, so to speak.

Noting the vacuum at the top of the public diplomacy pyramid, I thought I’d take this opportunity to encourage some out-of-the box thinking regarding the manner in which we “do” the public diplomacy business.

Today’s conversation comes with a disclaimer:

This is satire.
I’m kidding.
Really.
Well, mostly, I’m kidding

To begin, then: I’m completely jumping over a discussion regarding the propriety of “public diplomacy”, because it seems pointless.

Why?

Because public diplomacy happens, whether you want it to or not.
The real question is: do you want managed or unmanaged public diplomacy?

To assist the discussion, I agree completely that actions speak louder than words, and public relations alone will never compensate for a nation’s bad behavior.

Before we discuss the methods, let’s consider some possible benchmarks for success.

I suggest that if your public diplomacy is going well, the following should happen:

People in other countries should have a better opinion of your country.

Citizens of the world should be more interested in your economy’s output.

Your country should be more attractive to the most desirable potential immigrants available.

Your country should be less of a target for your enemies.

For that matter, if you’re doing well, over time, you should have fewer enemies.

So to get the ball rolling, here’s my proposal:

The American Lottery

How would it work? Something like this…

…Anybody in the world, except American citizens, would be invited to visit the “American Lottery” website. If you’re a lucky random visitor, you get something American.

Maybe a Big Mac coupon.
Maybe a $50 bill.
Maybe a Cadillac.
For one lucky winner, how about a Boeing Business Jet?

Advantages? Here’s a few:

You get a huge bang for the buck. (Maverick missile goes for about $1.5 million. So do 30 Corvettes, more or less. Which would you rather see falling from the sky into your town?)

Winners will like us better.

Our economic output will be far more interesting to the world

We’ll probably have a lot fewer enemies.

Maybe it’ll keep an auto assembly line open a bit longer.

This could be accomplished with no-bid contracts, or by directing the investment with the help of the best lobbyists and well placed contributions. (Bonus!)

Here’s the best part: once somebody wins an Escalade, they have less interest in blowing up the Escalade factory. Might need spare parts one day.

So that’s my modest proposal.

Karen Hughes, are you listening?

On Why We Love Our Newest Subaru, Or, Dr. Z, Are You Listening?

For those of you not paying attention, the days of the American automotive industry driving the US economy seem to be visible only in the rear view mirror.

The fortunes projected for the industry for 2007 are an improvement over the previous year, but only because 2006 (and 2005, for that matter) were, to put it bluntly, brutal beyond belief.

How brutal?

GM lost at least $16 billion during those two years, and soon expects to lose at least $6 billion more to close out the relationship with its former Delphi division.

Ford lost $7.2 billion in just the first 9 months of ’06. They expect to require an additional $17 billion in cash for the next 24 months, and have borrowed over $23 billion to cover anticipated losses through 2009.

Remember the old Ford mantra “Quality is Job One”? For some consumers, that’s apparently changed to: “My engine just spit plug number one”

Things are going so badly for Daimler/Chrysler that stockholders and analysts are now wondering whether there should even be a Daimler/Chrysler.

On the other hand, Japanese and German manufacturers (including, ironically, Mercedes) did pretty well in 2006-particularly Toyota, who this year anticipates wresting the title of world’s largest automaker from GM.

If you take a look at the sources I’ve referenced above, (and this one here) the problem for the three “US” automakers appears to be an over reliance on the profits from sales of large pickup trucks and SUV’s.

The automakers’ response is to cut the number of current employees and plants, seek to cut the pay of future employees, and, presumably, cut retiree benefits. (To be fair, a labor cost differential exists between “the Big Three” and automakers that have moved in from overseas and opened primarily non-union plants.)

As of this date, the effort by these three companies to develop profitable smaller cars has not been successful.

Which brings me to our dead Subaru.

The Subaru Forester we bought new in 2001 finally went down with 259, 000 miles, more or less, on its odometer, in December 2006. Options included replacing the dead engine with a $5000 rebuild, or buying a new car.

Exactly how we bought the car is a story for another day (and a hilarious one to boot!), except to say the entire process of acknowledging the death of the old car, evaluating the alternatives, and the purchase of the new one took almost two weeks and required the rental of another car in the interim.

Which brings us to Dr. Z.

The fine folks at Enterprise (“We pick you up!”) rented us a PT Cruiser, and to put it nicely we’ll say the two weeks with the car were educational.

The Chrysler PT Cruiser Touring 4-Door Wagon (its official name) that we drove can be purchased for about $18,000 before sales tax, license, and all the rest. (Cruise control and automatic transmission appeared to be the added options over the base trim.)

It is reported that the ‘Cruiser was built on a Neon platform, but Wikipedia disputes this; the next generation PT evidently will be built on a larger frame.

Despite this, when asked what I think of the PT Cruiser, here’s my by now well-worn response:

“All the style and class of a Neon-without the performance…”

It has been a particularly wild weather year along the West Coast, and as I look out the window the entire world is covered in snow and ice. Of course, when it warms up, then we get the huge winds and more rain than most folks can stand.

From the time we hit medium bad weather (tons of rain and lots of water in the “road ruts”) on the freeway, the PT began to feel squirrelly, and it was genuinely nerve-wracking driving. Compact ice and snow: frightening indeed.

The girlfriend drove the car that evening to her job, and the next morning had to be pulled up the hill by helpful neighbors when she couldn’t negotiate the ice/slush mix in the car she now refers to as a “PT Loser”.

Those of you who have experienced a hailstorm while standing under a beer can will know exactly the sound of hail on the PT Cruiser’s roof.

Even though about two-thirds of the car’s miles were driven on freeways, its handy average MPG tracker never reported the car above 21 MPG.

It is unfair to say we disliked everything about the car. The stereo, the really cool shelf system in the back, and the wiper controls are rather nice, and I recommend those parts of the car’s design.

Putting the power window controls in the middle of the dashboard, however, is highly counterintuitive, indeed.

That having been said, I cannot tell you how much nicer it is to drive the Forester.

If you have not driven a car with All-Wheel Drive, I strongly encourage you to try one. It’s useful not only in the snow, but when the road gets wet, as well.

It’s much faster when you push the gas…the back end never, ever “breaks loose”…and if you’re sitting at a light, uphill, on the wettest of days, the wheels will not spin when you take off.

It just goes.

Happily.

Maybe even, dare I say, enthusiastically.

The new car loves to take a corner…I mean it really loves to take a corner.
To the point that is surprises the bejeesus out of the teenage Honda drivers trying to keep up on our windy, windy road up from the freeway.

Oh, yeah-it crashes better, too (Forester, PT Cruiser).
Much better, in fact.

Now let’s talk price.

We were able to talk a Subaru dealer down to $21,350 out the door (that’s right, after tax and license), which means that the Forester, with standard ABS, standard AWD, tons more power, and which is just plain more fun to drive (oh, and it gets 25 MPG, too…), only cost us about $1000 more than Enterprise paid for that PT Loser (with no AWD, and, even in this day and age, ABS optional.)

So all that having been said, let’s get to the moral of the story; which is my message to the American auto industry from an ex-American auto buyer:

Dr. Z (and Rick Wagoner, and Alan Mulally, for that matter), you can close all the plants you want, and you can lay off all the workers you want, and you can restructure the operating groups all you want; but until Ford, GM, and Chrysler can build cars we like better than our Forester, there’s not much point in your staying in the car business.