On Fixing The World, Or, Help George Carlin Stick It To God

Once again The Fates have come our way to provide a story, and once again, we have a contender for the “Ironic Story Of The Year”.

It’s got everything you need for serious irony: an irascible comedian who mocked religion at every opportunity, a city that loved him, and the rich coincidence of his having been born at the crossroads of New York City’s communities of religious education.

And that’s why, today, we’ll be talking about the effort to name the street right next to Manhattan’s Seminary Row…Carlin Street.

(And before we go further, a language warning: we’ll be quoting George Carlin liberally, and that means there may be present today certain of the seven words with which he created one of his best known routines. You are now officially warned.)

I’ve begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the Sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.

--George Carlin, from the book “Brain Droppings”

There is a peculiarity to life in Manhattan that exists nowhere else on Earth: for more than 120 years, two of the world’s most important seminary institutions, the Union Theological Seminary and The Jewish Theological Seminary, have been literally kitty-corner from each other, right there at Broadway and W 122nd St.

It is such a significant part of the culture of the community that W 122nd St is now officially known as Seminary Row, as it has been for over 40 years.

And just one block away is the place where George Carlin grew up, on W 121st. During his childhood the Catholic Carlin was an altar boy, and it has been suggested that all this religious exposure may have impacted his comedy:

Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason, Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?! Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion! And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking of my friends the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting. Enlightening, too. But, in the meantime what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys! Keep your hands to yourself, Father! You know? When Jesus said 'Suffer the little children come unto me', that's not what he was talking about!

It’s not just the two seminaries, either, that would have influenced Carlin: Columbia University is immediately next door, as are The Manhattan School of Music/Julliard (The Julliard School later moved to Lincoln Center, but when Carlin lived on the block they had 1800 students enrolled), and The Riverside Church, which is presumably the exact place that set Carlin on his future path.

Fun Fact: Italian game design studio Molleindustria, the same folks who partnered with YesLab to produce Phone Story (the App that was yanked after one day at the App Store because it says a bit too much about how phones are made; it’s still available on the Android market), also created the game Operation: Pedopreist, which is one of several “Radical Games” that you can play online at their website.

So now comes before us Kevin Bartini (he’s the warm-up comic for “The Daily Show”), with an organizing effort to change W 121st to Carlin Street.

Bartini, who told the Village Voice that this is a “no-brainer”, says his interest is motivated not just by the fact that Carlin grew up in the neighborhood; he also wants to acknowledge the influence the neighborhood had on Carlin’s comedy:

“…and the Invisible Man has a special list of ten things that he does not want you to do, and if you do any of these ten things he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, ‘til the end of time – but he loves you.”

A petition is now circulating, and after 6 days 3000 signatures had been collected…but this is George Carlin, and this is New York City, and, dammit, this is America, and I think we can do a lot better than that if we try, so do me a favor, sign the petition, and go show some love to someone who truly deserves the recognition.

You won’t have to wear a suit or a big hat, no one will be bowing or kneeling, and there won’t be a collection plate. Sacramental wine is encouraged; if you’d prefer sacramental pizza I’m sure no one’s going to complain – but if you have ‘em both together, make sure it’s not at a Sbarro or something.

I think we’ve enough for today, and there’s no need to drag this out when you have your mission, so let’s go get those signatures, and let’s get Carlin Street officially on the map.

And just think: if we succeed – it could well have been God’s will.
And what could be more ironic than that?

On Pulling A Prank, Or, Climate Change Conference Changed By…You

It’s time, once again, to bring you the news that is not yet news.

For those not yet aware, there will be a climate change conference in New York City next week, conducted under the auspices of the United Nations.

The 100 world leaders who will be participating in the conference will be arriving on Monday, and if you’re in New York City the same day, you have a chance to participate in a not-to-be-forgotten “welcome event” and pranking opportunity.

Follow along and I’ll tell you how to get involved—and if you do, they’ll even send you home with a lovely parting gift.

To really understand this story you need to know a little bit about some of the best “merry pranksters” out there, The Yes Men, so before we go any farther, let’s cover that base.

Imagine if there was a group of people who specialized in impersonating capitalism as a means of exposing the reality of “profit before all else”, and that their impersonations occur in ways that even the capitalists don’t see coming—and sometimes don’t even recognize while it’s happening.

Imagine no more, because The Yes Men, not unlike Mighty Mouse, have “come to save the day.”

My favorite example of what they do is what I think of as the “Bhopal Prank”.

Union Carbide was the majority owner of a company that owned a manufacturing facility in Bhopal, India; a leak of methyl isocyanate gas from that facility immediately killed 3,800 people in the early morning hours of December 3, 1984. It is now estimated that as many as 25,000 people may have died over the years as a result of the leak. More than 500,000 have received some form of compensation for injuries related to the events of that day.

The Indian Government assumed legal control of the liability issues arising from the incident, which turned out to be pretty good for Union Carbide, as the average settlement to the families of the deceased has been about $2,200 (for a total of about $470 million), a number that’s probably quite a bit lower than if the liability question had been adjudicated in a US venue. Settlements notwithstanding, litigation continues to this day in the Indian Court system.

Union Carbide denied that they were operating the facility at the time, a position with which other observers strongly disagree (at one point, the company also asserted that sabotage from Sikh separatists was responsible for the leak). The disagreement has been so strong that on July 31 of this year a court in India issued an arrest warrant for Warren Anderson, Union Carbide’s former CEO.

As of this date no environmental cleanup has been undertaken at the Bhopal site, and technical information relating to this gas and the dispersal event remain unavailable to the local medical and scientific community.

Among the assets Dow Chemical acquired from Union Carbide as part of their 2001 takeover of the company was an incredible amount of bad will related to the leak and the continuing denial of responsibility…which brings us back to The Yes Men.

“If you were wise you would learn life only by inexperience. That is what makes it always unexpected and delightful. Never to realize—that is the true ideal.”

--Laurence Housman, “Echo de Paris; a study from life”.

On the 20th anniversary of the leak, Dow spokesman Jude Finisterra made worldwide headlines by announcing on the BBC that Dow would now accept full responsibility for the deaths, injuries, and environmental damage caused by the Union Carbide operation, and that they would dedicate $12 billion to the remediation effort.

Roughly two hours later, an actual Dow spokesman announced that they were not, in fact, doing any such thing; and Andy Bichlbaum of The Yes Men (who, as you might have guessed, was also “Jude Finisterra”) appeared on the BBC for a second time that day to explain their highly successful prank. The video of that appearance suggests that the BBC was not amused. (Neither was Dow, who saw their stock go down 3% during that hour or so.)

It’s not their only prank (see: The Halliburton SurvivaBall)—and tomorrow, if you’re in New York City, you can help pull off another.

Here’s what you do to join in the fun:

Go right now to http://newyorkbigevent.com/ and sign up. You will either be notified by “TwitterPhone” or standard text that you’ve signed up, and between now and tomorrow morning you will receive instructions by text on that same phone.

Show up for the event—even for a few minutes, if that’s all the time you have—and a statement will be made, fun will be had, and an international climate change conference will get the kind of kickoff it really deserves.

Not to mention, you’ll be leaving with a cool gift.

Today’s story is a short one, so let’s wrap it all up:

In an effort to help people see corporate criminals for who they really are, The Yes Men create dark and beautiful pranks, and they pull them on people who truly deserve it.

Tomorrow, in an effort to “set the right tone” for the international climate change conference taking place in New York City, another one of these pranks will occur—and you can be a part of it all, in front of an audience of millions and more or less 100 arriving heads of state.

So get over there (again, http://newyorkbigevent.com/), get signed up…and tomorrow, get involved in doing something you won’t soon forget.

The entire Planet Earth, with the exception of Senator James Inhofe, will thank you.