On Sunday Drinking, Or, Has Satan Been Rendered Irrelevant?

I know better than to go drinking on Sundays, but it’s just been one of those weeks, and I figured I’d grab a few beers, no big deal, and then head hone and get some real work done.

Of course, the reason I don’t drink on Sundays is because that’s when Satan likes to go hang out at my favorite bar – and to be real honest with you, lately Satan’s getting to be a real drag to hang out with once he gets drinking.

I mean, it’s depressing: he’s always talking about how he gets blamed for the economy, even though he claims he has no control over Wall Street, and atheism is a bit of a sore subject – and he’s forever complaining about how all his best customers have been outsourcing more and more work to Varsavarti.

But if you think all that’s a drag to have to deal with…you should hear him complain about Republican Presidential Politics.

They say that heaven is,
10 zillion light years away;
But if there is a God,
we need him now;
Where is your God?

That’s what my friends ask me;
and I say it’s takin’ Him so long,
‘cause we’ve got so far to come.

--From the song “Heaven is 10 Zillion Light Years Away”, by Stevie Wonder

I had no idea what a Tardis was until recently, except that it’s one of the things you have to hit a bunch of times to get to the really good multiballs in the “Doctor Who” pinball game, and it was Satan who told me all about this “Doctor Who” stuff over a few games in the back of the bar (and he would know: he tells me almost every BBC producer, one time or another, has availed themselves of the intercession of the Devil just to get another 12 episodes out of that network); in fact, the way I really got to know Satan was over a whole bunch of games of pinball.

He plays fair, by the way: he gives himself free replays by making the machine “match” his score at the end, but he doesn’t manipulate the gameplay just to rack up results; because of that we have some pretty competitive games, especially after he has a beer or two and really loosens up.

But once he found out I’m a blogger…oh, man, it’s Republicans this and Republicans that – and the thing that really has him upset with this crowd lately is that it’s all sort of gone out of his control.

“There was a time,” (it’s always “there was a time” with Satan) “when a guy who was in favor of private businesses being allowed to be ‘Whites Only’ who also wanted to run for Senate, much less President…well, they wouldn’t have a chance in Hell unless they made a deal with me – and now you got two of ‘em in the same family who went and ran for Congress, and won, without me getting’ a single soul out of the deal, and now Ron Paul’s running for President, and it’s just killin’ me.

And look who else you got over there: you can’t do a deal with Trump, because he’ll try to bankrupt his way out of any agreement you make, and Santorum actually believes he can win without a deal. Me and Dan Savage, though, we fixed him good: Google ‘Santorum’ sometime, and see what you get.

I made a deal with Bachmann…but I did it when I thought she’d only make it to Congress…so I’m gonna get short-changed on that one. I don’t know if Pawlenti wants it bad enough to make a deal, and if he doesn’t run I’ll lose that soul. Romney hasn’t done a deal yet, and I’ve told him three times already that he can’t win without me.

Gingrich was the one I was sure I would get eventually, but he has no shame, so he’s running without my help even though I showed him how bad he looks to the rest of the world…and he’s been trying for years to undercut me by going to the Catholics to get his marriages annulled – and for cash, instead of a soul. The guy’s just pathetic, he really is.

I am negotiating with Daniels, though, so it’s not all bad – and on that deal, I might even get a ‘two-fer’: him and the wife.”

By now I’d been just nailing Daleks and I was in the middle of the three-ball multiball, and collecting Davros jackpots big-time, but even in the middle of all that I had the presence of mind to ask if Satan had any campaign tricks up his sleeve for this bunch?

“Tell me what you think about this: I’m working something up where Christine O’Donnell gets caught up in an affair with one of the candidates – but I can’t figure out who makes a better scandal: linking her romantically to Newt Gingrich…or to Michelle Bachmann?”

And I told him the truth: I was happy indeed that I hadn’t been drinking a beer when he asked, because I would have done a “spit take” for sure.

But, honestly, I’m not sure who would make the better scandal, so I’m going to do what I promised Satan I would: I’m going to throw it open to you, the readers, and we’ll see who y’all think would be the best person for Christine O’Donnell to be, shall we say, “seeing”.

Anyway, by that time I figured I better go, especially before he got all caught up in another big speech about how “Citizens United” screwed him over, or how that guy from the IMF is gonna be calling any time now, so I finished up my pint, and I headed on home to bring you this story of how the Republicans have screwed things up so badly that, for perhaps the first time in history, discord, anarchy, insanity, and ugliness aren’t business opportunities for The Horned One…and, of course, I wanted to get you the “heads up” on the Christine O’Donnell scandal that hasn’t even happened yet – which, if my friend Satan has anything to do with it, soon will.

On Vetting McCain, Or, Even Satan Needs Contractors

For those who did not know, I’m a contract worker; and as a result I’m a direct beneficiary of the trend toward outsourcing.

And let me tell you, everyone’s doing it. At different times I’ve worked for school districts, a company that makes tax preparation software, agencies of State Government...even the Navy.

So it was no surprise when I found out from the agency that I was to be assigned to a Human Resources Department to help with the overflow of employee evaluations that needed to be completed—and it was no surprise when they told me the job was like working in Hell.

I was a bit surprised, however, when it turned out they were telling the literal truth...and that’s how I came to spend last week as a temp in Satan’s HR Department—vetting John McCain for his annual evaluation.

As surprising as it might seem, Satan’s actually not a bad boss. The dress code is casual—in fact, shorts are just fine: “on hot days”, as the joke went around the office.

Dirty jokes at the office? Oh, they were all over that...and I don’t mind telling you that having been in that environment, I understand how flinging around the “C-word” can bring a sudden end to the lunch conversation.

But the work criteria here are weird. On any other job, throwing around the C-bomb could get you fired (except in stand-up comedy, of course); but here I was told any evidence of such behavior actually gives the worker three preference points on his evaluation.

I logged onto Satan’s network (it’s slow, by the way...I must have waited three minutes for my roaming profile to load) to see if he qualified—and sure enough, in ’92 he laid a C-bomb on his wife in front of two members of his campaign staff. It turns out there’s an extra point to be awarded if the wife is involved—so I wrote him up for the full four preference points.

That’s enough for an “attaboy” letter, according to the manual—but I needed to see if there was more.

There was a time in the 80’s when he opposed the Martin Luther King holiday—a time when even Dick Cheney supported the holiday—and he actually had the juevos to show up at this year’s Anniversary of Dr. King’s death to make nice...while making a black man hold his umbrella during the speech. Three more points.

He even told the media he voted against MLK Day because he didn’t exactly know who Dr. King was...in 1983...and 1987. The manual says that’s two more points “for enhanced dissembling”.

Nine points already...that’s the attaboy letter plus a pair of tickets in the company box for an Oakland Raiders game (oh, don’t act so surprised...who else would it be—the Jets?). This guy’s gonna do great if nothing bad turns up.

“My dad told me there is one thing McCain’s are good at and that is not giving into pressure, and honor – keeping our honor regardless of what happens...He then said, ‘Don’t lie, cheat or steal – anything else is fair game.’”

--Jack McCain, describing his father John McCain’s advice.

“Keeping our honor”? That’s gonna cost him big-time if I can’t find a way to get him off the hook...but wait...look at how he got into politics in the first place. Oh, this is going to get him a raise, it’s so good.

OK, so he managed to marry a swimsuit model...well, to be accurate, the files here suggest he snatched her away from another man in the ‘50’s...and during the entire time he was in a Vietnamese prison camp she did the Tammy Wynette thing...but get this—she managed to get in a car accident (it wasn’t my current boss...I asked around at lunch), so McCain decided to replace her because she wasn’t hot anymore.

Now that should get him back to where he was...but get this: he cheats on her numerous times, and then sues her for divorce—and then, a month later, marries the daughter of the largest beer distributor he can find.

And all that’s not the best part.
The best part is, he’s managed to keep the ex-wife from really unloading on him while he’s running for President; this being her description of what happened:

“...My marriage ended because John McCain didn't want to be 40, he wanted to be 25. You know that happens...it just does...”

Imagine what you would have to say to your ex to get that kind of acceptance after dumping her for another young blonde...this guy might be SatanCorp management material! Maybe I’m getting too enthusiastic about this job...but I’m starting to love this McCain.

He's just so...evil.

Let’s add up the points for this one: three points for the first wife snatching, three more for the second—plus lots of “enhancement” points—including the big one...seven points for the “blame it on the war bride” move and two more for the new wife’s Daddy being a liquor distributor. That’s fifteen...it only takes twelve for an automatic raise—and according to the manual, twenty total points for the evaluation is an automatic nomination for Employee of the Month and lunch with the Big Boss in the Executive Pit of Fire.

And guess what: McCain has a total of 24!

And I didn’t even need to use the “McCain doesn’t speak for his own campaign” material to bump up his score.

I sent in the report and they were so impressed that on our last day they gave us pizzas, Cuban cigars, and Italian beer (it’s Hell, after all...) for the entire crew for lunch. They even sent over Simon Cowell’s caseworker to shake our hands to commemorate a job well done.

They told us they’re planning a big party for McCain in Minneapolis next month to present him with his award—and the Big Boss’ Number Two Guy, Dick Cheney, is scheduled to appear on Earth in his human guise to confuse children and celebrate the occasion.

So that was my week in Hell: great dirty jokes, decent parking, casual Friday everyday, the real inside dirt on McCain...and I even got to meet Simon Cowell’s “handler”.

And as long as the paycheck doesn’t bounce, it was a better work experience than the School District contract.