advice from a fake consultant

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

On Confusion, Or, What’s The Point?

As has been indicated before in this space, I am far too addicted to television…and most of the time, even when the sound is off it’s still there to be seen.

But it’s so often confusing.
Here’s an example:

There is an ad running these days for a product called “extend” or “super grow” or “bigs a lot” or whatever the heck it’s called…and while the ad takes great pains to tell us that it can cause a “certain part” of the body to grow larger—it never exactly tells us which part they’re talking about.

Clearly, there are some body parts that it might make sense for someone to enlarge; but the commercial is so vague I just can’t tell what they’re getting at.

It’s that sort of confusion that drives today story…so come along and we’ll pursue the question of what a “make it bigger” product might actually do…and more.

So what body parts might this very confusing product affect?
There are a few that it would seem logical to enlarge:

Eyelashes, for example. It makes perfect sense, considering the amount of mascara a woman might use in a lifetime (and the time spent applying same) to be able to just take a pill and have larger eyelashes…but the fact that the product seems to be directed to men throws that theory right out the window.

Same with hair—men usually don’t use products that would “extend” the hair.

A bigger nose? Illogical indeed.

A product to extend muscle development…like a “Mega Mass” in pill form? I am leaning toward that theory—but there’s one other possibility that I’m mulling over, and it’s actually my leading contender for “most likely theory” at the moment.

Hands and feet.
Why, you ask, would anyone want to extend the size of their hands and feet?

At first this might seem weird, but work with me for a moment. Many of you might be familiar with the “old wives tale” that says a man with large hands and feet also has a large…well, you know.

And I think that’s what this product is intended to do—to make men’s hands and feet larger so that women (and perhaps, the occasional interested man) will think the user has a larger penis.

And speaking of confusion…am I the only one confused as to why Hillary is still in this race? And if she’s going to remain in the race, why is she running a campaign that looks more like Strom Thurman’s 1948 failed Presidential bid…or the campaign that McCain’s Vice President might run?

Seriously, Hillary, with the effort you’ve put forth to compliment McCain at the expense of Obama you’re starting to make even Mitt Romney and Charlie Crist nervous that the VP nomination might be ought of their reach.

It was bad enough when you felt entitled to a Democratic nomination; but the idea that you’re entitled to be nominated by whatever party will nominate you, for whatever spot on the ticket you can get…it really raises the “eewwwww factor”.

What are you thinking? That your only path to the Presidency is to ascend to the office upon the declaration of McCain’s incompetence?

Of course, as so many will point out, she has every right to run…but who cares?

I mean, let’s face it Hillary, I have a right to run too…and I could presumably also try to base my campaign on latent racism and an appeal to a long gone past…but wouldn’t that make me just another Republican, like Trent Lott, George Allen, and…lately, you?

The only thing missing from the picture would be for you to run a campaign ad (that is, if you could afford it) with a Christmas tree and a Cross in prominent view as you angle for the evangelical vote—and it wouldn’t surprise me at this point if she tries such a move.

I can already hear the response: “We must count every vote…then count states who broke the rules…then count electoral votes…then count only voters who voted for Clinton before…and if that doesn’t work, we’ll only count my vote—because I know what’s good for all those fools who voted for Obama, even if they don’t.”

It would have been different if you had cast yourself as better on issues than Obama—in fact, even now you could change the tone of the contest…something that would improve the standing of your campaign (and legacy—and future)…but that strategy won’t get you a victory, will it?

And as we are now well aware, you will do anything to win, no matter what that victory means to yourself—or the Democratic Party.

Which brings us to the big finish:

There is a choice to be made by our dear Hillary “at this juncture”. She can continue to pursue what is more and more looking like a “scorched earth” strategy—and if she gets lucky, McCain might just run with her as a VP.

Or she can “extend” her future in Democratic politics by extending her vision beyond the proverbial hood of her car…by, instead, looking farther down the road—where lots more elections lie ahead, and where a future as a Senate Majority Leader or Governor might still be possible.

Obscene amounts of fund-raising, from anonymous sources, for a future Hillary Presidential library?

Maybe not so much.


jmb said...

It's such a shame, for it's time for a woman president, just not this one.

Did you know that they are putting silicone implants into people's skulls to make them taller?

Chervil said...

I have been following the campaign quite closely and have been less than impressed with Hillary.

The impression I have been left with is that it is all about her and what she deserves, rather than what is best for the country.

I also find the whole process rather agonising and futile. It seems to me that it is virtually impossible for her to win and that it would be much better for the Democrats if they could finalise their candidate sooner rather than later.

fake consultant said...

as to the need for a woman president...

we have been talking about dr. king this week, and we might remain even more true to his vision to suggest we need a smart, compassionate, and world-aware president...and if that person happened to be female--that's a happy coincidence i'm more than ready for.

but this one really is a "content of character" election, and that's becoming a real problem for it will for mccain when the totality of his world view is examined.

which brings me to chervil's comment.

i think the "inevitability" meme is deeply ingrained in her thinking about how the arc of this campaign's story should proceed...and it has been deeply to her detriment.

if that wasn't bad enough, she seems to change her perspective on a variety of issues in a tactical way as events develop ("florida and michigan should count--now" is one example), which reduces the perception that she has strongly held beliefs for which she will stand up against great opposition.

put all of this together with the inevitable "death throes" that the campaign will experience over the next few weeks, and it seems a rather ignominious end for a potentially transcendent political career.