advice from a fake consultant

out-of-the-box thinking about economics, politics, and more... 

Friday, April 18, 2008

On Investigative Journalism, Or, More Obama Connections Come To Light

Your friendly fake consultant has been digging deep into the world of anonymous sources recently, which is why we were able to recently reveal the truth about Hillary Clinton’s Bosnian sniper story.

Today we take that effort further...which is why we are able to bring to light another exclusive peek into the past of a Presidential candidate...only today it’s Barack Obama.

We will examine his prior associations and as a result we will be able to draw new conclusions regarding his world view...and as we said about Clinton, you might be shocked...but probably not surprised.

How did all this get started?

We decided to investigate these connections following the Reverend Wright incident, because it was clear that America needed to know the entire picture before we made the momentous decision of choosing a President...and as Hillary has reminded us, you are only as good a person as your associates.

So what did we learn?

The first thing we learned was that even as a child Michelle Obama supported the sale of crack.

We were able to determine this because as a child she grew up on the South Side of Chicago...and as we all know, there are people there who go out in the streets and deal that drug.

Since she had to have seen a problem with crack, we have to ask the question: why didn’t she move out of that neighborhood if she did not support the sale of this most pernicious drug. After all, you can’t choose your relatives, but you can choose your pastor...and the place where you live. The fact that she wouldn’t disassociate herself by moving to a wealthier area shows she was unwilling to stand up and say “crack is whack”...and you’re never too young to “just say no”.

But it gets worse.

Through the development of a timeline, we were able to determine that for several years Obama supported the murderous regime of Suharto, the Indonesian President who felt human rights was something that could be worked on later.

How do we know he was actively supporting the Indonesian despot?

He actually moved from the US to Indonesia...and stayed there several years. No one would do such a thing if they weren’t entirely supportive of Suharto’s brutal rule.

He also apparently supports the use of biological weapons, including anthrax.

We know this because, as he describes in “The Audacity of Hope” he once visited a Ukrainian biological laboratory—and yet he never denounced the people working there or what they did.

It also turns out he supports robbery, rape and murder.

I determined this because he used to eat at a White Castle in Chicago which was also the place several robbers, rapists and murderers have eaten over the years—and yet he never once stood up against those people...and never gave up eating, either.

But it gets even worse than that...once, on a trip to Wichita, he ate at a BBQ joint formerly patronized by the BTK Killer. In fact, it appears that for the past 13 months he has been on a road trip visiting cities where crimes were committed—and never once has he disassociated himself from the thousands of crimes committed in those cities on those days.

The candidate was clearly on the Obama Loves Crime Tour—that’s what he must have been trying to tell us...if not in words, certainly through his actions.

Even now he’s planning a substantial effort in North Carolina in advance of that state’s primary—North Carolina...a former slave state. Despite my efforts, I was unable to determine why Obama supports slavery—and he’s not talking, either.

Forget about the connection between that Weather Underground guy and Obama—there’s an even more direct nexus between Obama and terrorism.

As it turns out, many of the 9/11 terrorists passed through Boston’s Logan Airport—and so has Obama. What could be more incriminating than that?

But if all that wasn’t horrible enough, new evidence has come to light that proves Obama “supports through silence” the slaughter of an entire planet’s population.

Not many know this, but the US Government recently identified several recent UFO sightings as coming from the Griznawoks, a race that lives on a planet near Alpha Centauri. For over 2000 years the Griznawoks have carried out a murderous campaign of intimidation, attack, and finally genocide against their planetary neighbors, the Fazznawaka.

Despite the fact that Obama was present on the planet Earth during the time of the Griznawok visits, he has never once stood up and condemned the Griznawok atrocities...but of course, once the last of the Fazznawaka are dead—who will be left to complain?

So this year, as you’re going to the polls, consider the alternatives: you can support Hillary Clinton...or you can support a candidate who embraces crack, crime—and interplanetary genocide.

I’ve it’s up to you to decide.


Colin Campbell said...

Seems you have better sources and evidence to support your case than most of the junk that ends up being transmitted. Very funny and a little sad. Look out for a lot more of this as we go forward.

fake consultant said...

the dead milkmen did a song called stuart that sums up what i expect exactly.

"Grendel" said...

There really is not enough biting satire in this campaign.

Please continue!

fake consultant said...

thanks so much...we have several months left to "put the bite on"...and i will be doing so.